Haunted by Dates and Numbers

Moving on to adoption does not mean I’m over the pregnancies or over the fact that I may never “grow a baby in my tummy”.   I’m constantly haunted by numbers, days, dates and months.

This week, for example, is the anniversary of my first loss.  Connected to that pregnancy, I also have my due date (March 14th), the number of weeks pregnant I was (9), the age I was when I got pregnant (35) and the age of the babies of my friends who shared my due date (3 months and counting – this is a whole other heartbreaking story).

Multiply that by three pregnancies and my head is swimming with dates and numbers.

October, 6 weeks, December 14, June 29, 36 years old, 2 months, April 18th, January 19, 7 weeks, 37 years old, June 9th, June 14th, 38 years old, 9 weeks, 14 weeks (and counting), 3 months before I can try again, who know how long until I get the clinic referral, a minimum of 18 months if the adoption goes through, 39 years old. This list does not include the days of tracking cycles and ovulations!

It’s no small wonder that I had to second-guess my own age at my last doctor’s appointment!  I’ve been so used to calculating how old I was and how old I will be when/if the baby comes that the present seems completely irrelevant!

I will never “get over” the losses.  They are a part of me whether I like it or not.

The prospect of adoption is allowing me to at least move forward.  Maybe all of this pain will be worth it.  I know have a hope-filled focus, a tangible way to have a family, forms to fill out, projects to work on and bananas to bake.  It’s not a replacement, but it’s positive and it helps.

I recommend the book “Adopting After Infertility” by Patricia Irwin Johnston to anyone moving from (or even straddling) one step to the next.

This book was recommended to me by a friend in a similar situation and also by a pregnancy loss/infertility counsellor.  It definitely provides some food for thought; in particular,  “the list” of what is being lost.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Haunted by Dates and Numbers

  1. I agree, you can never get over a loss. It gets better, thankfully.That baby will remain real for you, even if you’ve never met it. I do all that calculating, too…

  2. I am so sorry for your losses….I understand. Our daughter Makayla came early and died in my arms 2 years ago. I still have trouble being happy for those moms who gave birth around my due date and being happy for those who are having babies. It is easier though, and I keep praying. We are in the process of adopting siblings from Hungary. We have completed the home study visits and our portion of the home study paperwork and now we wait on the social worker to complete her part and for the clearances to come back. I am also a teacher and I can’t do anything to control this part. At least with the paperwork for the home study, I could set deadlines for myself, check things off my list, and turn things in…but now…..all I can do is wait and pray! Praying for you on your journey!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s