The Text Message

Yesterday afternoon, I received a text message with a photo from my Aunt (yes, she’s THAT modern).  The photo was of my cousin’s minutes-old baby and the text was a proud boast from my Aunt about being a grandmother again (this is number 8).

A few years ago, this exact message would have made me jump for joy, run out to buy a present and hop in the car on the way to my cousin’s place to go give that baby a squeeze.

Now things are different.  Instead, I deleted the message and spent the rest of the afternoon in tears.

Not only do I mourn my babies that never were, but I also mourn the ability to enjoy other babies.   I truly wish that I could have looked at that photo and felt joy.  I wish that I could look beyond the fact that I was pregnant at the same time as my cousin and that she got to keep her baby.  I wish that I did not resent her for holding a baby in her arms as I choke back tears.  I wish that I could see, squeeze and cuddle all of my friends’ kids.  I’m still not ready.

I’m trying.  I was very proud of myself for cuddling my friend’s one year old the other day.  That is a huge step for me.  I may have cried on the way home, but I did enjoy it in the moment.  Maybe there’s hope for this lady after all.  I’ll accept the tears when they flow, try to stay positive even when it’s impossible and look forward.  I will have a family.  I can’t choose when.

beware of incoming text messages

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7 thoughts on “The Text Message

  1. No one who hasn’t struggled with infertility or miscarriages can understand our universal internal struggle that you described so well. We smile on the outside when we can but sometimes we just aren’t able to be that actress. I remember not being able to hold a baby for a long time. I remember walking out of church in the middle of the Mother’s Day service and then being ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough to stay. Seeing babies who are the same age as the ones we lost should have been is especially difficult. No, you are definitely not alone.

  2. Isn’t it amazing how complicated the simple act of sharing such joyous news becomes for us? And we can neither explain it to our family nor our friends who have never had to experience the pain of what might have been or what has yet to be. Thank you for sharing and confirming I am not alone and not a monster for these complicated emotions.

    • I had a friend who was going through a terrible divorce and would make a gagging sound any time something romantic was mentioned. She was kind of joking but not really. She was hurting so much that it hurt her to hear about happy love. I totally understood that feeling when she would do that. That is the internal reaction I had for years during my fertility crap. When work would have baby showers (once I was assigned to put one shower together, it almost killed me). The cool thing was she did it outloud and it became almost funny. So gag inside or outside. It helps. 😉

      • I am floored by all of the support and the degree to which others can relate to this. Thanks for all of the feedback. I’m sorry that so many people have had to suffer such pain. I’m glad have a network that makes us feel “normal”.

        To KH – I’m still outside gagging at this point. I hope to eventually graduate to inside gagging. That was a great story.

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