It’s Always There.

Last week, my husband and I went on our “honeymoon” in New York City.  It was a really nice romantic week. It was great for us to get away together, spend some time and enjoy ourselves. I’m so crazy about that guy.  I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

I had a great time, but I’d be lying if I didn’t mention that the losses were not with me the whole time.  I think life will just always be like that.  I wasn’t crying or moping.  It didn’t ruin my vacation.  It’s just always there.

It started when a friend who has new baby twins told me how jealous she was that I got to go away for a Honeymoon.  My eyes are still rolling from that one. Jealous!!????  I’d trade in that trip to New York for baby twins any day!

When we had originally booked the trip, we knew (or hoped rather) that I’d be about four months pregnant at the time.  It would have been good timing  – just past feeling sick, and “safe” enough to do some walking around town. While we were there, very time I passed a pregnant woman on the streets (for the record, every third woman in New York City is pregnant) I thought about what should have been.

Shopping was difficult too.  I’m still bloated and a little heavier than a non-pregnant woman should be (a year-long fear of exercise is not good for maintaining a hot bod).  It’s hard for me to look at my protruding belly and not think about the babies that used to live in there.  A vacation in Manhattan is usually a time for some SERIOUS shopping.  I’m still not ready to by “in between” clothes and walked right by every clothing store.  Fear not, I did buy a pair of shoes- at least my feet have stayed relatively the same size.

Money was also on my mind.  We booked this trip before starting the adoption process.  I’ve always been a bit of a penny pincher, but this process is going to be very expensive and I know I need to save all I can.  We have already spent a few thousand dollars on our Home Study, Parent Training (which takes place in September) and application form.

“Living in limbo” is a real challenge.   It’s a challenge that’s not going away, so my job is just to do my best to stay positive and get through day by day. I also know that it’s ok to feel lucky and unlucky at the same time.

The belly that I’m sure only I can see. This isn’t about body image. I can deal with that. It’s about knowing what’s missing.

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