I never know what is going to set me off. There are some things that I think will make me upset that don’t, and other “triggers” that unexpectedly fill me with sadness.
I read another blog the other day that mentioned the “dangers” of Facebook. Pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos and adorable “belly” photos that can pop up in your news feed and change the course of your day. I’ve managed to wrap my head around this and block the feed of the stories can’t handle following.
Yesterday, my system foiled me in an unexpected way. My husband’s best friend is the father of the twins that arrived within weeks of my first due date (twins I am still not ready to meet). Yesterday his update read, “teething sucks”.
I had put him and his wife (a good friend) back on my Facebook feed hoping that getting used to seeing photos of the babies will help me build up the nerve to eventually meet them (this process is a whole other story). It isn’t easy. I usually skim over the adorable photos quickly and move on with my life.
“Teething sucks” affected me much differently.
“Teething sucks” is a complaint.
I’m going to write the response here that I would NEVER write there.
“Losing babies sucks. Having no family sucks. Having a “spare room” sucks. Panicking about Christmas when it’s only September sucks. Having to avoid your friends because their babies make you cry sucks. Wondering if you’ll be approved for adoption sucks. Straddling stirrups and getting 8000 blood tests in hopes to figure out why your body is rejecting your babies sucks”.
I hate feeling so angry. I hate feeling bitter. I hate feeling so sad
I’m sad to be reminded of the milestone that I “should” have been complaining about right now. I’m sad that by the time I have a child in my life I’ll be so freakin’ grateful that I won’t even have the nerve to publically announce or even admit that any part of it “sucks”. I’m sad that choosing adoption inevitably means that our child will have already passed this milestone before ever joining our family. That child won’t have had the comfort of a mom and dad who will wake up and make them feel better 12 times a night. I’m just sad. I feel robbed.
I’m so glad to have this blog. I’m so glad to have connected with people who don’t think I’m awful for thinking these things. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in being happy about the new chapter that’s started but then simultaneously sad about what I’m going through. I’m glad to have a place to get it all out of my system so that I don’t dwell on every horrible thought.
“Teething sucks” for me too.