The “Magic” Wand

an all too familiar scene

I’ve had more ultrasounds, internal ultrasounds and sonohystograms in the past year than most people ever have in a lifetime.  Sometimes I feel like my body doesn’t even belong to me anymore.

Something I always dread even more than the “wand” is the form I have to fill out before going in.

The dreaded questions:

  • Number of pregnancies:  3
  • Number of children: 0

I hate that the first number gets higher with every visit.  I hate that the second number stays the same.  When I adopt do I still say zero?

I had my last round of ultrasounds and sono at the clinic last week.   The technicians were really sweet.  I guess that’s the difference between fertility clinic and the rest of the medical world. They’re used to women who need a little extra sensitivity.

There’s a law that technicians are not allowed to disclose any information.  Only doctors are allowed to discuss the results with you.  This always leads to the challenging game of “read between the lines”.

In the past this law has proven difficult.  I know things are good when I’m pregnant and they turn on the volume of the heartbeat and print out a picture.  I know things are awful when I’m pregnant and the technician says “I’d like to check this with my colleague” (and leaves me holding the wand and crying while she finds one) or “go see your doctor right away to discuss the results”.

This time I wasn’t pregnant.  We’re trying to figure out what’s wrong.  This is bit more challenging when reading between the lines.

“Have you had any surgery?”

“Just the D&Cs”

“Nothing other than that?  I just have to press down harder to see something more clearly”

(panic)

“There seems to be some tissue or debris”

(panic)

“It may come out on it’s own.  How many cycles have you had since the last pregnancy”?

“Oh? Three? Okay, we’ll make a note for your Doctor.”

(more panic)

After a few days of worrying and obsessing about “tissue” being left behind, about needing another surgery, about postponing everything even longer I took matter into my own hands.  I called the doctor and told the receptionist all of my concerns.

She checked with the doctor and he “signed off” on the images.  He doesn’t think another D&C will be necessary.  Am I relieved to hear that?  Kind of.  Am I still obsessing about what was “left behind”.  Yup.

I’m looking forward to my appointment at the end of the month.  I’m crossing my fingers that I get some answers.

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5 thoughts on “The “Magic” Wand

  1. I see we’ve been through similar panic experiences during ultrasounds this week! I hate the “law”… I’m sure everything will be fine! Hang in there!

  2. This law is so perplexing. At my most recent Ultrasound of Doom, the tech said right away that she wasn’t seeing a heartbeat. I was so grateful for that. It was the Dr who told me I was having a miscarriage, but I already knew because the tech said there was no heartbeat. Was she even allowed to tell me that much?

  3. It’s all I can do not to comment like a madwoman on all of your posts. Blogging can be a vortex and I respect your space and how you are handling being a blogger right now… but I had to mention that I laughed out loud at the sight of The Wand. Deary me. Refreshing in a way to see it like this. Takes away some of its creepy power. Ha. Gotta laugh to stop crying sometimes, I guess.

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