I didn’t even know about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I didn’t know about Mizuko kuyō. This blog entry really hit home for me because this is how I’m thinking all the time.
My list: an 8 month old, a 5 month old, 6 months pregnant.
I also think about the babies that people close to me have lost. Even though this is in my thoughts every day, something about having an “official” day to remember and recognize warms my heart. It feels like an out-loud acknowledgement, not a secret grief.
Today, I remember the 5 babies I’ll never get to meet. It hurts to think that I should have a one year-old, a 9 month-old, a 2 month-old and either be 7 months or 5 months pregnant. It hurts to think that next time I’ll be pregnant, I’ll be scared to death that it will all happen again. The slow betas, no heartbeat on ultrasound… After all, a failed pregnancy is all I know. I grieve my innocence as well. Never again will I think that positive pregnancy tests mean you will take home a baby in the end. That hurts, too.
Today, October 15th, like all orphan parents out there, I remember my lost babies. And I’m craving hope.