In just over a week, I go back to the clinic to get the results of this last round of poking and prodding. This is the clinic that SPECIALIZES in multiple pregnancy loss. If someone is going to find an answer, it’s going to be them.
Usually, when getting results from a doctor, the answer “nothing is wrong” is exactly what one wants to hear. In this case, it’s my biggest fear.
The best-case scenario for me would be to sit down and have the doctor tell me that they’ve figured out what has been causing the losses. That “pill A” or “procedure B” should take care of the problem and yes, I will be able to carry a baby to term.
Another scenario would be to be told that something is wrong. That I will never be able to carry a baby to term and that I need to stop trying or I will suffer losses again and again. This scenario would be heartbreaking. I would mourn the loss of my chance to have biological children. The only positive is that at least a line would be drawn, I would have my answer, and I could focus on the adoption and maybe even future adoptions for an even bigger family.
If they find “nothing” there are just so many unknowns. Will I keep trying (I know already the answer is yes)? How many losses will I have to suffer before I’d want to stop trying? How many losses would be my husband’s limit? I hear so many stories of multiple losses: 8, 10, 13 and more. Where is my line? How much emotional and physical energy can I give to this? If I stop trying, how will I get it out of my head that “the next one” would have been the one that made it.
All of this is hypothetical. I know I shouldn’t worry until I have something to worry about. I don’t know how I’ll really react until I really get the news.
My friend wished for me that I could “fast forward”. This is exactly what I want. Limbo is a difficult place to live.