This is a “pity party” but sometimes I just need to get things out of my system.
I got news the other night that my brother, my younger brother, is going to have a baby. I found out by accident, when a friend on-line wished my brother’s wife a happy birthday to her and her bump.
I cried all night.
I phoned my friend and cried to her (thank goodness for amazing, understanding friends).
I cried on my own the rest of the night, then I cried myself to sleep. It’s two days later and I’m still seriously moping.
Why is this making me so sad? Why can’t I just be happy that I’m getting a new niece or nephew? I’m just not ready.
All I can think about is how much has been lost. I know I shouldn’t dwell. I know it’s not healthy to live in the “what ifs”, but sometimes it’s hard to block them out.
Here is what’s making me so sad about it (my pity party list of shame):
• My brother and I don’t see much of each other. If any of my babies had lived, we would have babies similar in age, we’d have a shared experience. Now I won’t even be able to stand being around their baby or enjoying his wife’s pregnancy. This is a huge loss.
• My brother has my genes and his wife is Asian (like my husband). Their baby is going to look so much like how our babies would have looked. This hurts.
• I’m now going to be officially the only person in my extended family who doesn’t have a family. I know it’s not a competition. It just hurts.
• My grandma is getting older. She just had a health scare. She’s 95 years old. She’s knit clothing and blankets for all of her great grandchildren. I’m so sad that she may not ever meet my children. Mine (if I’m lucky enough to have or adopt any) will be the ones she never met. (This one deserves its own post…that will be coming soon)
• I don’t want to isolate myself from anyone else, but it’s the only thing helping me get through.
• I’m the older sister. I want to be the one to pass on advice and hand me downs.
I’m just so angry. I feel robbed. I feel ripped off. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so tired of the pain. I’m so tired of not knowing. I miss my babies. I’m so sad that the loss isn’t over. I’ve lost more than just babies, I’ve lost friends, sleep, energy, joy, strength and I just keep losing.
Today I saw my friend with the twins walking down the street. I couldn’t face it. I crossed the street and hid. This is not me.
I ask myself, “How I can make this stop?” With support of friends, my husband and counselling I can make it better, but I really think that the only thing that will make any of this even close to ok will be to become a mother. Even that will never be the same.
(The pity party out of my system for now. Time to find some pleasant distractions.)