Nothing Happened.

I got the results back from all of my testing. A good friend came with me to ask questions and take notes. I’m so lucky to have the friends that I do.
The results of all the tests? – Nothing.
If nothing is wrong, why is everything so wrong?
The information package given to me by the clinic says,
“Regardless of how extensive the investigation of recurrent pregnancy loss might be, more than 50% will still be classified as “unexplained”.
I knew this, but I was really hoping to be in that other 50%.
The doctor that I saw today was positive. The next step is diagnostic cycle monitoring. They’re hoping to see if there are abnormalities in the maturation of the eggs. There are treatments for this.
Why didn’t they have me do the cycle monitoring already!?! Why am I pushing back trying yet another month (or longer)!?! The clinic closed for the Christmas holiday -this means no “trying” until at least January. (Which they seem fine with even though two sentences before they said that at my age, 37, they’ll need to move quickly and more aggressively).
I know it’s only a couple more months, but I feel like this is such a long time. So much time has passed already. Maybe it’s the wrong attitude, but I’m forever trying to fill that void left in my belly. I know I can’t get my babies back, but I’d like to get SOMEONE in there!
Once we can “try” again, the approach will be baby Asprin (to thin my blood) and Progesterone. This baby Asprin must be pretty special because Progesterone alone didn’t work last time. It was so hard for me to listen to the doctor telling me the routine…day 18 start Progesterone, day 28 pregnancy test, 6-7 weeks ultrasound. It’s hard for me to hear this because I’ve done it. How many times am I going to go through this?
So here I am. Still without answers. Still on hold. Still hurting. Nothing.

I have to laugh to keep myself from crying.

I have to laugh to keep myself from crying. Here is an immature egg.


4 thoughts on “Nothing Happened.

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