“Muddling Through Somehow”

Just like a teenager going through a break-up… sometimes it seems that songs are written specifically for me.  (Why did I never notice how depressing this song was before!?!)

I’m re-naming it, “Carol for a Waiting Family”

Here’s my Christmas song this year:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light,
Next year all our troubles will be
out of sight,

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
miles away,

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Will be near to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

home for the holidays

20121219-175411.jpgI’ve been dreading Christmas for quite a while now…and now it’s days away. Christmas is such a family holiday and I really thought I’d have my own family by now. ( I know, I have my husband, I have friends, I have extended family, but that’s not what I’m talking about). While all the friends that had babies on my due dates are having “Baby’s First Christmas”, my husband and I will be home, just the two of us. I don’t know why I can’t think of it as “just another day” – Maybe that’s because hubby insisted on putting up the world’s biggest Christmas tree! I know it will be fine. I’m lucky to have my fella and I’ll do my best just to enjoy our time alone together. Stay tuned…hopefully there will be a follow up entry called, “I Survived Christmas” or ” It Wasn’t So Bad”.

Guilt

Since the approval, I have been having very mixed feelings about my visits to the clinic.

Adoption is something we really want to do.  The first time I was pregnant, we already knew that we wanted to adopt a second child. In my husband’s family he was adopted and his sisters are his parents biological children.  They’re a great family and we’d love to continue this model. When we went through the losses we decided that we needed to turn the tables on that option and look at adoption first.

Just like pregnancy, timing of adoption is impossible to control.  Even now that we’ve been approved, there is a really long wait ahead.  I am of course crossing my fingers that we’ll get that unexpected “we made a match” call, but I’m not holding my breath.

My agency was in town the other day to give us an overview of their programs (including the one we’re enrolled in) and to answer our questions etc.

The presentation got me so excited.  A slide show of waiting children… they made it seem as if all they needed was the right home (pick me! pick me!).  The reality is that it doesn’t move that quickly.  Even though there are several waiting children, there is about two years worth of waiting parents and a very slow moving government.  Even though I had done the research and knew this already, there was something heartbreaking about hearing it in person.  All of a sudden, this length of time felt very real.  This would be two more Christmases, two more school years, two more years of friends having babies, the babies that I can’t bear to meet will be almost three, and I’ll be almost 40.  This feels real now.

The balancing act that I’m struggling with now is about the clinic.  I really want to know what has caused the losses.  I want to know so that it doesn’t happen again.  Unfortunately, we’re almost at the point where I’ll have to be the human guinea pig.  I’ll have to get pregnant for them to really know why it’s going wrong.  Maybe I’m simplifying this, maybe I’m being negative, but that’s how it feels.   I’m worried about getting pregnant for so many more reasons now.  I worry about losing another baby, but I also worry about the fluke of a successful pregnancy. This would definitely put the adoption on hold if not completely back to square one. There are laws and guidelines about timing of the placements of children and maintaining birth order.   I legally can’t have it all.  I feel guilty even going for tests, like I’m abandoning a child that doesn’t even exist yet.

I’ve been losing sleep over this. I spoke to a friend about it.

“Why don’t you just see what happens?  Then you can deal with it?”

My friends are so smart.  I need to take a deep breath and stop panicking.  I can’t control everything and I have to do what I have to do.  Let’s just see what life brings us.  It’s not going to be easy.  It’s going to involve some loss and some pain and hopefully some strength but I’m just going to “see what happens”.

How to Dress for Winter Cycle Monitoring (add to my list of things I wish I wasn’t an expert in)

In order to investigate the mystery of the immature eggs, I’ve been doing a fair amount of cycle monitoring.  At my clinic, this means going in early mornings before work for blood tests and ultrasounds (internal and external).

I’m finding that the blood test/ultrasound combination can make for tricky wardrobe considerations.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

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A.  A short sleeve dress or tunic.  This allows me to walk around with my knickers off without walking around naked… I guess I’m not that European.  I don’t have to walk that far, but sometimes the distance from “Get Your Pants Off Chair” to “Stirrup Bed With Courtesy Paper Sheet” seems really far. The short sleeves allow for easy blood testing.  Pockets are a bonus.  It’s somewhere to keep my phone  – I use my phone to do crossword puzzles as a distraction while I wait for my turn with a full bladder.

B. Tights (leggings even better but mine were in the wash).  Easy on, easy off.  No zips or buttons.

C. Slip on boots or shoes.  Why waste time with laces or buckles? Let’s get this over with!

D. Cardigan.  Short sleeves make blood testing easier, but it’s chilly in the winter!

E. Headphones.  I’ve added this accessory since my first December visit.  Someone thought it would be a good idea to pump Christmas music all through the clinic (even the ultrasound rooms). I’m so not in the mood for Christmas.

And THAT my friends is how to dress for cycle monitoring in the winter. Now let’s take care of these immature eggs!