Guilt

Since the approval, I have been having very mixed feelings about my visits to the clinic.

Adoption is something we really want to do.  The first time I was pregnant, we already knew that we wanted to adopt a second child. In my husband’s family he was adopted and his sisters are his parents biological children.  They’re a great family and we’d love to continue this model. When we went through the losses we decided that we needed to turn the tables on that option and look at adoption first.

Just like pregnancy, timing of adoption is impossible to control.  Even now that we’ve been approved, there is a really long wait ahead.  I am of course crossing my fingers that we’ll get that unexpected “we made a match” call, but I’m not holding my breath.

My agency was in town the other day to give us an overview of their programs (including the one we’re enrolled in) and to answer our questions etc.

The presentation got me so excited.  A slide show of waiting children… they made it seem as if all they needed was the right home (pick me! pick me!).  The reality is that it doesn’t move that quickly.  Even though there are several waiting children, there is about two years worth of waiting parents and a very slow moving government.  Even though I had done the research and knew this already, there was something heartbreaking about hearing it in person.  All of a sudden, this length of time felt very real.  This would be two more Christmases, two more school years, two more years of friends having babies, the babies that I can’t bear to meet will be almost three, and I’ll be almost 40.  This feels real now.

The balancing act that I’m struggling with now is about the clinic.  I really want to know what has caused the losses.  I want to know so that it doesn’t happen again.  Unfortunately, we’re almost at the point where I’ll have to be the human guinea pig.  I’ll have to get pregnant for them to really know why it’s going wrong.  Maybe I’m simplifying this, maybe I’m being negative, but that’s how it feels.   I’m worried about getting pregnant for so many more reasons now.  I worry about losing another baby, but I also worry about the fluke of a successful pregnancy. This would definitely put the adoption on hold if not completely back to square one. There are laws and guidelines about timing of the placements of children and maintaining birth order.   I legally can’t have it all.  I feel guilty even going for tests, like I’m abandoning a child that doesn’t even exist yet.

I’ve been losing sleep over this. I spoke to a friend about it.

“Why don’t you just see what happens?  Then you can deal with it?”

My friends are so smart.  I need to take a deep breath and stop panicking.  I can’t control everything and I have to do what I have to do.  Let’s just see what life brings us.  It’s not going to be easy.  It’s going to involve some loss and some pain and hopefully some strength but I’m just going to “see what happens”.

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3 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. Your friends are very smart. That’s kind of where we are too with the whole ordeal. Giving up on certain “for sure” dreams, figuring out what other ones “happen…” or when we are ready to take different action. I’m glad for you that you were so set on adoption and could take steps in that realm. We can’t even make up our mind, and time is ticking.

  2. I just wanted to thank you for creating this blog. I am in the process of my third consecutive miscarriage in one year at the moment, and your journey mirrors mine almost to a “T”. I am also struggling with the results of my recurrent loss screening after my second pregnancy loss. As yours, mine came back “unexplained”. I was really hoping #3 would be it… but life had other plans. I can relate to your story so much, and am hoping for a happy outcome for you soon. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps people like me feel like i am not alone in this.

    • Thanks so much for your comment. I started this just to have a place to vent and to record and keep track of my feelings (crazy and otherwise) and I’ve been so amazed by what has grown out of it. I no longer feel alone. I no longer feel awful about some of the “awful” things that go through my mind. Life has become so much harder than I ever anticipated and most people just don’t get it. I’m glad it helps.

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