10, 9, 8, 7 , 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…. HAPPY NEW YEAR?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind…..


This is the messy mess that went through my mind at the stroke of midnight:

I’m so happy to have someone to kiss.

Last year at this time I was mourning a loss that happened right before Christmas.  I did not celebrate.

A year has gone by. I’ve had another loss and I still don’t have a baby to hold.

I got married this year. It was such a great day, I’m so lucky to have my husband.

I was pregnant at my wedding.  We heard the baby’s heartbeat the very next week. Our baby is gone.

How am I going to get through this year? It will be at least another full year of waiting for the adoption (more likely two).  If I get pregnant, there could be another loss this year, or if I don’t lose it, many months of worry and fear.

My brother is going to have a baby this year.  More isolation for me.

This year is going to be all about just “getting by”.  I can’t think of a scenario that will be better than just “getting by”.  Maybe I’ll cry less, maybe not.  Now I’m crying while everyone is singing and dancing.  I’m dancing  – I hope nobody notices.  I’m so happy to have someone to dance with.  It feels wrong to feel so bad in this moment.  I catch the eye of a friend, she’s had this kind of year too.  We’re both going to break down.

I want to fast forward 2013.

We twa hae run about the braes,
and pu’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
sin auld lang syne.


One thought on “10, 9, 8, 7 , 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…. HAPPY NEW YEAR?

  1. Pingback: A Look Back and a Plan for the New Year | you can't choose when

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