Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind…..
This is the messy mess that went through my mind at the stroke of midnight:
I’m so happy to have someone to kiss.
Last year at this time I was mourning a loss that happened right before Christmas. I did not celebrate.
A year has gone by. I’ve had another loss and I still don’t have a baby to hold.
I got married this year. It was such a great day, I’m so lucky to have my husband.
I was pregnant at my wedding. We heard the baby’s heartbeat the very next week. Our baby is gone.
How am I going to get through this year? It will be at least another full year of waiting for the adoption (more likely two). If I get pregnant, there could be another loss this year, or if I don’t lose it, many months of worry and fear.
My brother is going to have a baby this year. More isolation for me.
This year is going to be all about just “getting by”. I can’t think of a scenario that will be better than just “getting by”. Maybe I’ll cry less, maybe not. Now I’m crying while everyone is singing and dancing. I’m dancing – I hope nobody notices. I’m so happy to have someone to dance with. It feels wrong to feel so bad in this moment. I catch the eye of a friend, she’s had this kind of year too. We’re both going to break down.
I want to fast forward 2013.
We twa hae run about the braes, and pu’d the gowans fine ; But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit, sin auld lang syne.