The Life I Would Have Had

My first pregnancy I shared the exact same due date with someone who at the time was one of my best friends. The loss put a pause on our friendship. A pause that I naively thought would be temporary and, that even though it would always be hard for me to see her baby , a pause that would end when I had one of my own. Most people who have miscarriages go on to have a successful pregnancy a few months later. Anyone following my story knows that it did not turn out this way.
My losses and pain have put a huge divide in our friendship.
Shortly after losing the first baby, my friend called to ask to have some maternity clothes that a mutual friend had left at my house. I wasn’t able to return that call. I tried a few more attempts at reviving the friendship – she even came to my (child free) wedding. Losing another baby right after the wedding sent me right back into isolation.
I got an email from my friend a few days ago, she was really hoping that we could pick up again and be friends. I’m just not ready. The pain of being apart is WAY less hurt than the pain of being around her and reminded of all that was lost.
Today is my friend’s last day of maternity leave. It would have been the last day of mine too. I should be crying about leaving my baby with a babysitter or daycare. Not crying about an empty room in my too quiet house and a huge hole left in my heart.
I can’t stop comparing our lives. I can’t separate her baby from the baby I lost. I can’t stop playing the fantasy in my head of how things could/should have gone. know how to pick up the pieces.

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6 thoughts on “The Life I Would Have Had

  1. Sending you hugs. glad you have this outlet for yourself. I don’t know how I found myself in this more steady plateau that I’m in now, but it took a lot of determination. You are strong, you will know what is right and what you are ready for when you are ready for it. Explain to your friend what you can, and be grateful she is so dedicated and loves you so much. Hang in there.

    • Thanks… I keep hoping for my “plateau”. I really didn’t think I’d be feeling this bad for this long. I think because bad news keeps coming. Maybe once I have a brak from that (if that’s even possible) there’s a chance I’ll get back to being a well functioning human being again.

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