After much procrastination I did it. I wrote back to my friend. No turning back now. I really hope I said all of the right things. I didn’t edit myself because I really just wanted to get down what I was feeling. I just went with the flow.
Thanks to “K” for reminding me that it was ok to start with “It’s so hard to explain how I feel without coming across as an awful human being.”
I’ve omitted the names but that’s it.
Dear Belly Buddy,
It’s so hard to explain how I feel without coming across as an awful human being. But here goes…
This last chapter of my life has been really hard. Harder then anything that life has ever dealt me. There have been some ups (like the wedding) but even that has been tainted because I was pregnant at the wedding.
I’ve been in a lot of pain for such a long time now. I cry almost every day. I hate feeling like this. Sometimes I feel ok and then out of the blue, some trigger sets me off and I go several steps back.
Having friends who shared due dates (you, my other belly buddies , half the staff at work – all within a month of my due date) has made things even harder for me. It’s like I have access to watch some alternate universe where everything turned out ok. It’s really hard for me to see and think about.
At this point it’s hard for me to be around anyone who is pregnant or has a young family. I just feel so ripped off. I feel like I’m a mom with no kids.
I found out about a month a go that my little brother is having a baby. This kills me. I’m having a really hard time with it. I haven’t seen them and I don’t want to. It hurts too much. I’m starting to feel like I’ve missed my turn. I feel left behind.
I’ve been ready to have a family for so long. At the beginning, I was able to find some peace with it and be positive. I thought then that I just had to wait for my turn. Now that I have been so close to it so many times it has become intolerable. It consumes me. I think about it all the time. Almost everything I do revolves around it.
I spend so much time at doctors’ offices. Just trying to find out what went wrong and how we can make sure that this doesn’t happen again.
Going into a clinic several mornings a month for diagnostic blood and ultrasound makes it really difficult to “get it off my mind”.
Moving forward with the adoption process has been positive and exciting. But what’s hard now is that the wait will be so long (some people I have spoken to have been waiting over three years). There’s also always the chance that it won’t work. Laws are constantly changing. There’s no guarantee that this is going to happen.
I’m coping with the wait by writing for the newsletter and trying to connect with other waiting moms. This is a way that makes me at least feel like I’m being proactive, but it’s not really making the hurt go away.
I’ve also been writing a blog about all of this (thanks for the inspiration – I loved your dating blog), which has proved to be a good release when there’s something I need to let out. It’s also, to my surprise, connected me with other people who are going through the same thing.
The thought of another 3 years without a child kills me. I wish I could explain better how it feels. I just feel empty. I feel stupid living in this big family home without a family. I hate looking at the spare rooms and I don’t like going in them.
The desperation to have a child has and added pressure as I really feel that that’s what it’s going to take to start picking up the pieces of my life. I’m never going to be “over it”, but I’m hoping I’ll be “ok”.
I miss you so much. We really got each other and we have had so much fun and made it though some tough times. But right now the pain of seeing you and your family trumps the pain of staying away.
I just need to cocoon and stay in a place that limits triggers and makes me feel safe. It’s the only way at this point that I can function. This is why I’m staying away from some social events and parties. It’s hard for me to be there and public bursts of sobbing are getting embarrassing. I just don’t feel like my regular, fun self.
I’ve talked to some other people who have gone through similar things and some of them have been able to get their lives back with time, even before they have kids. I really hope that I get there but I’m not there yet.
Please don’t give up on me. Please do keep checking up on me. Please do accept me as a friend again when I’m ready to come back.
Thanks for being so understanding all this time. I had no idea; I never could have predicted how long the sadness would go on for. I never could have predicted that it would happen again and again.
I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t think I would have really understood if I wasn’t going through it. I just really don’t want you to think I’m awful. I don’t want you to think it’s because of anything you’ve done. I just want you to keep caring.