Two Roller Coasters

I’ve been hesitant to write about this stuff (I’ve been quiet lately but I have some saved up) because I know that it’s a touchy subject and because I’m terrified to jinx myself. I’m going to write anyway because I started this blog in order to write and vent and document my journey.

A friend (yes you) described it as “riding two roller coasters”.  We’re waiting to adopt but haven’t given up “trying”.

I wrote about it before, but I’ll explain it again.  The only way to find out what’s been going wrong with my pregnancies, is to, under the supervision of a clinic, get pregnant.  Even though I’m technically “trying to get pregnant”, I feel more like I’m just “trying for a diagnosis”.

The doctor is sticking with the “immature eggs” theory.  The goal is to make sure I’ve got nice plump mature eggs before I “fertilize” them.   Pumping up those eggs means daily trips to the clinic for probes and pokes. I’ve been stabbing myself in the belly and torturing myself during the dreaded two-week wait.

The trying feels different this time.  Maybe I’m bitter and jaded.  Maybe I’m realistic.  Instead of feeling like we’re trying to “make a baby”, I feel like I just need to get this part “over with”.   I feel like this is for closure.  I feel like I need to know I tried and that I have my answer.  If we wait for the adoption to go through before going through these experiments I’ll be old enough that age would be the predominant factor in why things are going wrong.  Besides, by the time the adoption goes through I’m going to want to spend my days with the squirt, not with a doctor!

If we get any word about the adoption we’re obviously walking away from the clinic, but for now, seatbelts fastened, two roller coasters it is!  (and I’m going to write about it)


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