This has been a very difficult week. The same day that I found out that I’m not pregnant, I got the news that my brother’s baby boy was born.
I’ve been dreading the news. I didn’t know exactly when the baby was expected, but I knew it was soon.
I seriously hoped that as soon as I heard the news or saw a photo that my heart would melt and I would want to go see the baby and it would be different because it’s my family.
That didn’t happen.
When I found out I almost threw up. I cried and cried. I peeked a photo and had to close it right away because it was far too painful. It’s still painful.
When my mom phoned me and told me how amazing the baby was and how much he looked like my brother I had to cut her off. I can’t even stomach hearing about it.
I’m glad now that I communicated my feelings to my brother and his wife before the baby came. I told them that I might not be around when the baby comes but that I hope to keep the door open and come around when I’m ready. Thankfully they understood.
I sent them a message as soon as I heard:
“Congratulations! Glad the baby is here safe. Give him a big squeeze from his aunt. xo”
Hopefully occasional messages and gestures will remind them that I actually care.
In one of his emails my brother said I would be a great aunt. I know I will and I’m sad that I have to put it on hold. I so wish that everything could be different. I wish I was there now handing them down the things my baby had outgrown. I wish our babies could be together. I’m so sad and so jealous. I never got to bring my babies home.
I’m not ready to be an aunt. I need to be a mom.
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The other day, I learned that after yet another month of “trying”, I’m still not pregnant.
I don’t know why this isn’t working. When we were doing this the old fashioned way, I was getting pregnant fairly quickly. The problem was all my babies were broken.
Now we’ve been going to the clinic to get to the bottom of it. I go for daily cycle monitoring. I jab myself in the stomach with needles that make my immature eggs wait, needles that make them grow and, my favourite, the big needle that makes me ovulate once my eggs are mature. I get busy with my husband when the nurse calls me and tells me to “have intercourse tonight and again tomorrow” (my eggs may be mature now, but that call always makes me giggle). We even did one cycle of IUI. I buy pee-sticks in bulk because the progesterone suppositories mimic the symptoms of pregnancy causing excitement, anxiety and inevitably disappointment. Why is this taking so long?
From an evolution perspective, I can’t figure out why I would get pregnant so easily with my broken eggs but not with this big juicy healthy ones. It’s just another hurdle in the endless list of hurdles. I know there are a lot of women who have never been pregnant and will never get pregnant. I understand that all of these treatments don’t work for everyone. I just don’t understand why it would work when it was wrong? I know that if I do get pregnant I may not make it to term, but I thought I’d at least get another chance to try and figure out where things are going wrong. We haven’t given up, but it’s feeling like a roadblock.
The doctor recommended we move on to IVF. We’re not going to do it. We decided at the beginning that we’re not gamblers. All the big money will go to the adoption.
Maybe this is one of those “stages of grief” things or it could be the hormones I’m pumping into my poor, bloated body. I’ve been feeling just plain angry.
It recently dawned on me that I’ve been “un-pregnant” for almost two years now.
For two years I have been alternating fat and skinny less-fat pants. I have not purchased a new bra in AGES because my boobs are never the same size two months in a row. I have been washing my face with teenager acne cleanser because the hormones are murder on my skin. It’s been over two years since I’ve held a baby (or even looked one in the eye). Friends (including my younger brother) that “weren’t ready to start a family yet” when I was first pregnant already have babies or are expecting them soon. Other friends who also experienced losses around the time that I did are home with babies in their arms right now. Friends who had young babies when I was first pregnant are now home cuddling a second child. All this time later, I still don’t have a family. I know I’m being inpatient. Some people wait a lot longer than two years. It’s just really getting to me now. Throw me a bone already!
After the first loss, I assumed that time would heal. For most of life’s tragedies this is true. I’ve been through some pretty major stuff and all of it got gradually better with time. Something I’ve learned about my losses is that it’s getting harder with time. Fertility being a race against time doesn’t help. Painfully long adoption waits don’t help either.
If this is a “stage of grief”, I sincerely hope that “acceptance” is just around the corner. Even better would be if our little squirt is right around the corner.