Maybe this is one of those “stages of grief” things or it could be the hormones I’m pumping into my poor, bloated body. I’ve been feeling just plain angry.
It recently dawned on me that I’ve been “un-pregnant” for almost two years now.
For two years I have been alternating fat and skinny less-fat pants. I have not purchased a new bra in AGES because my boobs are never the same size two months in a row. I have been washing my face with teenager acne cleanser because the hormones are murder on my skin. It’s been over two years since I’ve held a baby (or even looked one in the eye). Friends (including my younger brother) that “weren’t ready to start a family yet” when I was first pregnant already have babies or are expecting them soon. Other friends who also experienced losses around the time that I did are home with babies in their arms right now. Friends who had young babies when I was first pregnant are now home cuddling a second child. All this time later, I still don’t have a family. I know I’m being inpatient. Some people wait a lot longer than two years. It’s just really getting to me now. Throw me a bone already!
After the first loss, I assumed that time would heal. For most of life’s tragedies this is true. I’ve been through some pretty major stuff and all of it got gradually better with time. Something I’ve learned about my losses is that it’s getting harder with time. Fertility being a race against time doesn’t help. Painfully long adoption waits don’t help either.
If this is a “stage of grief”, I sincerely hope that “acceptance” is just around the corner. Even better would be if our little squirt is right around the corner.