Congratulations?

This has been a very difficult week.  The same day that I found out that I’m not pregnant, I got the news that my brother’s baby boy was born.

 I’ve been dreading the news.  I didn’t know exactly when the baby was expected, but I knew it was soon.

 

I seriously hoped that as soon as I heard the news or saw a photo that my heart would melt and I would want to go see the baby and it would be different because it’s my family.

 

That didn’t happen.

 

When I found out I almost threw up.  I cried and cried.  I peeked a photo and had to close it right away because it was far too painful.  It’s still painful. 

When my mom phoned me and told me how amazing the baby was and how much he looked like my brother I had to cut her off.  I can’t even stomach hearing about it.  

 

I’m glad now that I communicated my feelings to my brother and his wife before the baby came.  I told them that I might not be around when the baby comes but that I hope to keep the door open and come around when I’m ready.  Thankfully they understood.  

I sent them a message as soon as I heard:

“Congratulations! Glad the baby is here safe. Give him a big squeeze from his aunt. xo”

Hopefully occasional messages and gestures will remind them that I actually care. 

In one of his emails my brother said I would be a great aunt.  I know I will and I’m sad that I have to put it on hold.   I so wish that everything could be different.   I wish I was there now handing them down the things my baby had outgrown.  I wish our babies could be together.  I’m so sad and so jealous.  I never got to bring my babies home.

 

I’m not ready to be an aunt.  I need to be a mom.

Image

 

image source: http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/d1fccbdcb0e191ba169df201c9983d87.png

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Congratulations?

  1. I’m so sorry, sweetie. Being an aunt is wonderful but I don’t think (with my vast knowledge of motherhood *snort*) it really holds a candle to being a mom. I hope you get your chance soon!

  2. I’m so sorry. My one & only niece was born two weeks before my first miscarriage. Being an aunt really is wonderful, but… I know that if my sister or brother were to have a baby now (and it’ll likely happen), I won’t be able to handle it as well this time. I hope your chance to be a mom comes very, very soon.

  3. I understand how you feel, as around the time of both my pregnancies (and subsequent pregnancy losses), we had our niece and nephew born. After hearing that my sister was pregnant only a couple weeks after losing my first baby, I broke down in tears many many times. Working it out with a therapist helped me learn that I can have both emotions of sadness and love at the same time. There is a place in one’s heart for both, and both are normal to have in such circumstances. While I’m still sad to think my babies never got the chance my niece and nephew have, I know my niece and nephew are innocent, sweet babies in this world who have nothing to do with my loss, and need my love. I hope you find a way to work through your pain, too. I know it is difficult. I wish you all the best.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s