This has been a very difficult week. The same day that I found out that I’m not pregnant, I got the news that my brother’s baby boy was born.
I’ve been dreading the news. I didn’t know exactly when the baby was expected, but I knew it was soon.
I seriously hoped that as soon as I heard the news or saw a photo that my heart would melt and I would want to go see the baby and it would be different because it’s my family.
That didn’t happen.
When I found out I almost threw up. I cried and cried. I peeked a photo and had to close it right away because it was far too painful. It’s still painful.
When my mom phoned me and told me how amazing the baby was and how much he looked like my brother I had to cut her off. I can’t even stomach hearing about it.
I’m glad now that I communicated my feelings to my brother and his wife before the baby came. I told them that I might not be around when the baby comes but that I hope to keep the door open and come around when I’m ready. Thankfully they understood.
I sent them a message as soon as I heard:
“Congratulations! Glad the baby is here safe. Give him a big squeeze from his aunt. xo”
Hopefully occasional messages and gestures will remind them that I actually care.
In one of his emails my brother said I would be a great aunt. I know I will and I’m sad that I have to put it on hold. I so wish that everything could be different. I wish I was there now handing them down the things my baby had outgrown. I wish our babies could be together. I’m so sad and so jealous. I never got to bring my babies home.
I’m not ready to be an aunt. I need to be a mom.
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