The other day, I learned that after yet another month of “trying”, I’m still not pregnant.
I don’t know why this isn’t working. When we were doing this the old fashioned way, I was getting pregnant fairly quickly. The problem was all my babies were broken.
Now we’ve been going to the clinic to get to the bottom of it. I go for daily cycle monitoring. I jab myself in the stomach with needles that make my immature eggs wait, needles that make them grow and, my favourite, the big needle that makes me ovulate once my eggs are mature. I get busy with my husband when the nurse calls me and tells me to “have intercourse tonight and again tomorrow” (my eggs may be mature now, but that call always makes me giggle). We even did one cycle of IUI. I buy pee-sticks in bulk because the progesterone suppositories mimic the symptoms of pregnancy causing excitement, anxiety and inevitably disappointment. Why is this taking so long?
From an evolution perspective, I can’t figure out why I would get pregnant so easily with my broken eggs but not with this big juicy healthy ones. It’s just another hurdle in the endless list of hurdles. I know there are a lot of women who have never been pregnant and will never get pregnant. I understand that all of these treatments don’t work for everyone. I just don’t understand why it would work when it was wrong? I know that if I do get pregnant I may not make it to term, but I thought I’d at least get another chance to try and figure out where things are going wrong. We haven’t given up, but it’s feeling like a roadblock.
The doctor recommended we move on to IVF. We’re not going to do it. We decided at the beginning that we’re not gamblers. All the big money will go to the adoption.