Mother’s Day

Mother’s day is a very difficult time of year. It’s right up there on the long list of holidays that hurt (Christmas, Halloween, Easter, Father’s Day, my birthday).
I feel like a mother who has no children. I received a pamphlet from a pregnancy loss support group once that referred to me (the reader) as a parent. Am I a mom even if I never met my babies?
This is a really hard week to watch tv, listen to the radio, go to the mall or even go on social media. It’s especially hard to be a primary school teacher this week. So much of my energy went into creating the perfect gifts and poems for mom with my little students. I’ve been asked about being a mom (from children and adults) more than usual lately because mom-hood is in the forefront of everyone’s mind.
Yet another year has gone by and it’s still a holiday that doesn’t include me. No card, no gift, no poem.
I bought myself a gift. I bought a book, “Instant Mom” by Nia Vardalos. I’ve been reading it through tears this week and it makes me feel less alone. This book deserves an entry of its own, so I’ll go into more detail in the next one. I just have to get through the next couple days. A couple more days until the Mother’s Day commercials stop airing and another couple of days until my next (monthly) pregnancy test.

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7 thoughts on “Mother’s Day

  1. Feeling it. *hug* Catching up on your posts and sending you really good vibes. My sister is due next month and I don’t know how I will react. I feel like a putz I’ve been so detached throughout her pregnancy. For Christmas I gave her the baby things I had purchased when we were doing IUI and hoping and striving.

    For us, I don’t even know anymore. In December we just got to the place of “actively not trying / not striving / not nothing.” I didn’t even know this phase was possible. But it is and here we are. It’s weird. The worry and wonder aren’t gone, they are just deprioritized. It involved a whole lot of accepting of “wow. we might never have kids. okay. okaaaaay.” I’ve built up this sassy child-free chic persona just to manage myself through it. I feel tough. I feel cynical. But under it all, I still melt like butter. But even still, it’s nice not to have the month to month caring or the tests or anything. It’s a whole new layer beyond limbo… Anyway… keep blogging. Be well.

  2. You are of course not alone in feeling this way. I hope the day was a gentle one for you, or at least not too excruciating. I thought so much of all my fellow ALI bloggers yesterday, and felt comforted. I’m glad we have this space.

  3. Pingback: My Mother’s Day Gift to Myself: Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos | you can't choose when

  4. Pingback: A Look Back and a Plan for the New Year | you can't choose when

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