On hold….

I feel like my life has been on hold.  All of the “experts” (unsolicited advice) tell me not to let this stress me out and not to let my fertility issues and losses control my life.

The people dolling out this advice have obviously never had to schedule cycle monitoring and daily medications into their lives.  Trying to get pregnant controls my lifestyle, my schedule, my mood, my body and my future plans. (I’m sure I could have made that list a lot longer.)

I’m already worried about summer vacation.  Will our week away in August mean a month off of treatments? Would a break be a good thing or will I  just be older?

I made a decision yesterday.  I found a job posting. It was for a central school board instructional leader position. This is something I have been working towards and considering applying for “further down the road”.  When I saw the posting, my first instinct was to not apply for it.

Here are some of the  reasons for my hesitation.

1. I wanted to have my family before I moved up the ladder.  A classroom teacher is the ideal job for a working parent with young children.

2. If I continue with fertility treatments, how will I work meetings and workshops around last minute cycle based appointments?  If I have to work at the other end of town will I be able to get there in time from my cycle monitoring?

3. What if I get my adoption referral?  Do I take a new job when I know there is a chance (a small chance) that I will have to leave?

4. I have such a great support system at my present job.

After much deliberation I came to some realizations.  It’s not a guarantee that I’d get the job.  There’s no harm in applying.   If I get it, I’ll manage.  People go on adoptive leave/maternity leave all the time.  My friends will always be there for me, even if we don’t work in the same building.  It may be nice to have a break from the ever-growing population of pregnant ladies at my work.  Working with adults rather than kids may help take my mind off of motherhood for a few minutes a day.

I’m going to apply for the job.   I can’t put my life on hold.  Fingers crossed.

"Please hold..."

“Please hold…”

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7 thoughts on “On hold….

  1. Good luck on the job front, I understand completely! I started looking for a new job recently and then I realized that another company is not going to be as understanding when I have to take off for all of the appts needed for this fertility journey. So, I decided to stick it out for a few more rounds and then we will see what happens. Thinking of you…

  2. So true. Go for it! Que sera sera, right? You never know where things will lead you and how you could look back and say “Oh! It all worked out okay!” Or even maybe “Wow. I’m glad this happened like this.”

    In 2008, I can’t belieeeeve I’m saying 2008, but in 2008 I took the first job I could get because it had a mat leave. Lucky for me it was an amazing career launching gig.

    But yeah… all of the air travel I fretted about, the this the that… You can’t operate with a dichotomy in your mind. You are “aiming” for something or you are not. I don’t know how I got to the relative inner peace I am at right now. I think it was two things… one I had to face and accept not having kids and that being OK. Two, I had to summon my inner ninja and be like “I am so effing sick of being such a wreck and so devastated.”

    Sorry for highjacking. I should start my own blog. Lol.

  3. Good luck with the job. I made a similar choice a while back. Left my perfect work life balance ideal mom job for a more challenging move up the ladder. It felt like a major risk in the midst of trying to adopt. I can’t tell you how glad I am to have made that decision. My new job has been a life saver, giving me new challenges to focus on during the wait. I can’t imagine if I was still in my old job waiting. It would have been torture.

    • I didn’t get this one, but my c.v. is all ready to go next time something comes up. Your reasons are exactly the ones I’ve been thinking about for a reason to move up. A change in environment (read less pregnant colleagues) would do me good too!

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