Doin’ it for no reason

Although it feels very counter-intuitive, the hubby and I are presently “not trying”.

If we do try to have a baby, it will have to be through IVF.  If we get pregnant on our own, it is destined not to make it to term.

It is really hard “not to try” when what I want most in the world is to have a baby.  It doesn’t seem fair.  None of this is fair.

So hear we are, back to “doin’ it” for the good ol’ fashioned reason that we find each other attractive, we’re feeling frisky and married and in love and all that.

It’s been such a long time that we’ve been “doin’it” with the purpose of having a baby.  We’ve so been careful to do it at the right time (when the doctor says go) and hesitant to do it after for fear of shaking things up.

It’s been hard for me to get baby making out of my head when we’re in bed.  Never mind having to think about potentially using birth control.   Don’t get me wrong.  We enjoy ourselves when we’re getting down to business, but there’s always a quiet nagging in my head, reminding me about baby making, reminding me not to get pregnant if I don’t want to lose another baby, reminding me that this is how most people make a baby.

Even though I know we didn’t “try” this month, I’m still checking for symptoms.  All those symptoms that I used to hope meant I was pregnant now terrify me:

Spotting day 11

Ovulation? Messed up from all those months on meds?

Spotting day 15

Implantation? Did we make a mistake? Messed up from the meds?

Sore breasts day 19

Pregnant? Did we screw up? Am I going to have another MC? P.M.S.? Messed up from all those meds?

Will “business time” ever be the way it was?


Happy birthday to me….

It’s my birthday today and I wish it wasn’t. I don’t want to be 38 with no kids. I don’t want to be reminded that ANOTHER year has gone by and that things seem to be getting worse instead of better. I don’t want to be reminded that I was 34 the first time I got pregnant and I still haven’t brought a baby home.
I don’t want to add “age” to my list of fertility fails.
I don’t want “happy birthday” messages from all of my friends on Facebook (especially not from all the new moms who have no idea how it feels and have their babies as their profile picture.
I really hate holidays and milestones now. I can’t take another birthday/Christmas/NYE/ Mother’s Day/ first day of school without my baby. I hate that the world goes on when I feel like it has stopped.
Happy stinkin’ birthday to me.

Not quite a decision….

We’ve been sitting on our “news” for a couple of days. We haven’t talked about it much. I think the hubby is all talked out for the moment.
I contacted the adoption agency. We have moved from number 25 on the list to number 12. This is a big jump. I had been feeling negative, thinking that there hasn’t been much movement. The Special Needs program doesn’t follow a list the way the mainstream program does, but it does mean that people have brought their children home and that we are closer to ours. The rough estimate our contact gave us was another 6-12 months. This seems like forever to broken hearted me, but I know it’s not. The director of the agency is in Vietnam right now meeting children and will be making more matches when she returns in late July. That will be decision time for us. When she returns, we’ll have a better idea as to a timeline and the needs of the children that are presently waiting for families. Maybe we’ll even be matched (not holding my breath on this round).
IVF is still not off the table. I have this sting feeling that I need to try EVERYTHING before I “give up”. Once we have a better idea as to what’s going on with the adoption we will talk about it again.
In the mean time, the best thing I can do for myself (and my sanity) is to take care of myself. I have a month to eat well , exercise (something I’ve been too scared to do for fear of shaking a potential baby out of my body), be off of crazy hormone meds. This will (hopefully) help me start to feel like myself again. If we go ahead with IVF my body will be better ready. If the adoption is first, I’ll be ready to run after a toddler.
This is all I’ve got for now.


Decisions, decisions

After months of “assistance” (cycle monitoring, injectable drugs, progesterone suppositories) I am yet to see a positive pregnancy test.

We went to the clinic just under a year ago to try to get to the bottom of our three losses.  Why was this happening? Will I ever be able to carry a baby to term? What can we do?

The diagnosis was “immature eggs”.   The solution was to take meds and monitor my cycle to correct the issue.  We’ve been trying this for several months to no avail.

I recently met with the doctor again last week to revisit the issue.  I just can’t understand why I could get pregnant 3 times with broken babies, and now, with help haven’t.

The doctor looked at my monitoring results (blood and ultrasound) from the past several months and let me know the devastating news.

This isn’t going to work.

The doctor, probably wisely, said to continue with what we’re doing is “just not good medicine”.

He gave us one option.  IVF.

This was a hard pill to swallow. When we embarked upon this journey, IVF was our “line”.  IVF was out.  IVF was not an option.

Now that I’ve had three babies in my belly and never been able to meet them, all of a sudden, having a biological child has become more important.  After all of this effort, it’s hard to stop here.

My husband and I have some big decisions to make.  Is it worth the gamble? Is it worth the expense? Is this the way we want to start our family?  We’ve already started the adoption process.  The wait could be long.  Maybe it’s time to just sit and wait.

How long???

I participate in an online discussion group that connects waiting parents from the same agency and the same program.  We are all waiting for Special Needs children from Vietnam.

Over the past year, there has been very little movement.  Only one or two adoptions have gone through (that I’m aware of).  There is much discussion about the changing political climate and the eventual demise of international adoption.

Recently one of the waiting moms got a referral.  When I read the subject line, I was so excited.  Things are moving again!  Then, as I read on, my heart sank.

This woman has been waiting for six years.  SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!

She was originally on a list to adopt a baby through the “mainstream” program (not Special Needs).  That list was simply not moving so switched to the Special Needs program.

The child that was referred to her is a five year-old girl.  This breaks my heart.  This woman has been waiting 6 years, for a child that’s been there almost the whole time.  It makes me so sad that the child has had to wait this long for a family.  It makes me sad that the mother has had to wait to long to meet her.  This referral story, which should have been inspiring, is so discouraging.

It hurts to think that my child is already “out there” waiting.  It hurts to think that I could theoretically have five more years to wait.

I need to remind myself that Special Needs lists do tend to move faster.  These lists don’t move in numerical order necessarily, but rather by match to the prospective parent.

I’m so glad that mom finally got her match.  I can’t imagine another five years without my family.   Patience and hope. You can’t choose when.

The Merge Lane

When you’re in the merge lane, it’s supposed to work like a zipper.  It’s expected that you’ll let one car in (or maybe two if you’re feeling generous) before moving ahead.

I’ve been feeling lately like I’m in the merge lane, but that ALL the cars are getting in ahead of me.  I’m just sitting in traffic, not moving, not getting my turn.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to feel joy for other people when they have successful pregnancies.  I used to have a “pass” in my head for people who have struggled and then got pregnant.   I feel now like I’ve run out of passes.  For most of my struggling friends, the pain is over. They’ve moved on to have their families and I’m still stuck.

I’m not a horrible person.  I sincerely hope for all the happiness in the world for everyone in my life.  I want them to have families and I want them to have healthy babies.  I’m just feeling so left behind.  Please let me in that lane so that I can move ahead with my life.