The Merge Lane

When you’re in the merge lane, it’s supposed to work like a zipper.  It’s expected that you’ll let one car in (or maybe two if you’re feeling generous) before moving ahead.

I’ve been feeling lately like I’m in the merge lane, but that ALL the cars are getting in ahead of me.  I’m just sitting in traffic, not moving, not getting my turn.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to feel joy for other people when they have successful pregnancies.  I used to have a “pass” in my head for people who have struggled and then got pregnant.   I feel now like I’ve run out of passes.  For most of my struggling friends, the pain is over. They’ve moved on to have their families and I’m still stuck.

I’m not a horrible person.  I sincerely hope for all the happiness in the world for everyone in my life.  I want them to have families and I want them to have healthy babies.  I’m just feeling so left behind.  Please let me in that lane so that I can move ahead with my life.

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5 thoughts on “The Merge Lane

  1. Waiting to adopt is like being in the merge lane with a broken down car and no tow truck in sight! I can totally relate to this analogy. As hard as it is to be in this place I do still believe that eventually we’ll end up exactly where we’re supposed to be. When exactly that will happen is always the big question that lingers.

  2. I became an aunt this week to a perfect peach. I handled it better than I thought I would. But it’s almost like an eerie calm. I mean, yes, I did self-care and got a massage. And I indulged in junk food. And I cried, for sure. So maybe I was half just healthy dealing and half… denial? Frozen? There is a surreal aspect to it, like I’m seeing it all outside myself.

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