Happy birthday to me….

It’s my birthday today and I wish it wasn’t. I don’t want to be 38 with no kids. I don’t want to be reminded that ANOTHER year has gone by and that things seem to be getting worse instead of better. I don’t want to be reminded that I was 34 the first time I got pregnant and I still haven’t brought a baby home.
I don’t want to add “age” to my list of fertility fails.
I don’t want “happy birthday” messages from all of my friends on Facebook (especially not from all the new moms who have no idea how it feels and have their babies as their profile picture.
I really hate holidays and milestones now. I can’t take another birthday/Christmas/NYE/ Mother’s Day/ first day of school without my baby. I hate that the world goes on when I feel like it has stopped.
Happy stinkin’ birthday to me.

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16 thoughts on “Happy birthday to me….

  1. Happy Birthday! I don’t know you but your writing has been a great comfort to me in my struggles and I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making a difference in my life. I truly hope you get your “birthday wish”.

  2. Oh lady, I’m so sorry. We put so many expectations on ourselves and our journeys, we carry so much hope, and those days when the passage of time is marked can be so cruel. I wish you peace today, and maybe the chance to know that you are one day closer to your take-home baby.

  3. Happy Birthday and I’m so sorry you’re not where you want to be. It sucks passing another milestone without a baby. Sending love your way today!

  4. I so identify. I ended up quitting facebook altogether because I felt like people were rubbing their lives in my face all the time. I’m so sorry it’s rough. Happy Birthday to you…because you are wonderful and amazing today.

  5. So sorry it was a rough birthday for you. I’ve been there and reading your blog reminded me of the pain & heartbreak I went through. I had a hard time believing in my friends who told me my baby was out there. Trust that he/she is. Wishing you lots of love and comfort this week.

      • don’t know what is crashing bigger, my relationship or my sanity… oh well. had a good seven months or so of “chin up”…

      • Meh. Basically he is okay with not having kids. He is a “roll with it” kind of guy. He’d be happy with, he’s be happy without. On the one hand this puts zero pressure on me, which is a blessing… but there is a different kind of pressure, in that I feel like I’m supposed to champion this on my own. And I hate the idea of indecision as a decision. I’d rather _decide_ to try options or _decide_ to be child-free, grieve and embrace life. Not just wait until we are too late and then say “oh well. life is good anyway.” Sigh.

  6. I can relate whole heartedly. I cried all day on my birthday. As if we want to add our age as another factor to our fertility problems. And Facebook? I quit it that day never to look back. And it feels great. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. It’s so so unfair. Big hug.

  7. Pingback: A Look Back and a Plan for the New Year | you can't choose when

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