Doin’ it for no reason

Although it feels very counter-intuitive, the hubby and I are presently “not trying”.

If we do try to have a baby, it will have to be through IVF.  If we get pregnant on our own, it is destined not to make it to term.

It is really hard “not to try” when what I want most in the world is to have a baby.  It doesn’t seem fair.  None of this is fair.

So hear we are, back to “doin’ it” for the good ol’ fashioned reason that we find each other attractive, we’re feeling frisky and married and in love and all that.

It’s been such a long time that we’ve been “doin’it” with the purpose of having a baby.  We’ve so been careful to do it at the right time (when the doctor says go) and hesitant to do it after for fear of shaking things up.

It’s been hard for me to get baby making out of my head when we’re in bed.  Never mind having to think about potentially using birth control.   Don’t get me wrong.  We enjoy ourselves when we’re getting down to business, but there’s always a quiet nagging in my head, reminding me about baby making, reminding me not to get pregnant if I don’t want to lose another baby, reminding me that this is how most people make a baby.

Even though I know we didn’t “try” this month, I’m still checking for symptoms.  All those symptoms that I used to hope meant I was pregnant now terrify me:

Spotting day 11

Ovulation? Messed up from all those months on meds?

Spotting day 15

Implantation? Did we make a mistake? Messed up from the meds?

Sore breasts day 19

Pregnant? Did we screw up? Am I going to have another MC? P.M.S.? Messed up from all those meds?

Will “business time” ever be the way it was?

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