The Other New Year’s Eve

I’ve been a very quiet blogger this summer.  I took a break from everything. I was off work.  I didn’t take any courses.  I didn’t see any doctors.  I didn’t make any decisions.

It’s been a good summer.  My husband by some miracle of timing (his industry is usually busiest in the summer) had time off as well.  We have spent a LOT of time together. We really needed it.  We needed down time.  We needed time just to “be”.

I’ll be doing some catch-up blogs to fill in those summer gaps.  My head is bursting with ideas and things that I need to write about, but it didn’t seem right to lock myself away in a room and type about sad things when I could be in a room with my hubbie getting cuddles or out enjoying the sun.

I’ve stuck to my “get healthy and exercise” plan.  I’ve lost a total of ZERO pounds, but I’m looking significantly “less pregnant” and my fitness level is back to that of a non-slug.  The “less pregnant” part is important to me.  So many people know I’m trying to have a baby so when my tummy gets to bloated I start getting those belly looks (one eyebrow up…I wonder if she’s… – nope just hormones and fat).

Labour day weekend starts tomorrow.  Right after that is back to school.  My summer of bliss is over.  For a teacher, back to school is the “other” New Year’s Eve.

This year marks the third “back to school” since my first miscarriage.  I barely made it through the first one.  My first loss was in August.  I’d had the whole year planned, I knew when I would be taking my maternity leave.  I knew when I would announce my pregnancy to the parents.  I knew which reports I would write and which ones I would pass on to the replacement teacher.  That’s the problem with teachers. We’re planners.

The second “back to school”, a few months after my third loss was also tough.  I resented being there.   I felt like I should have been off that year taking care of my baby (number one OR number two).  At the very least I should have still been pregnant with my third and planning a mid-year departure.  I never would have imagined that I would go that whole school year without even getting pregnant again.

Now I’m at the third “back to school”.  I’m not pregnant.  I haven’t been pregnant for over a year. I haven’t gotten a portfolio in the mail telling me that the adoption agency has found a match for us and that we’ll be travelling soon to pick up the squirt.

Nothing.  This is tough on a planner.

I’m also facing other back to school dread.  Two friends on staff are pregnant.  They’re not the big pregnant ready to leave any day.  They’re both just pregnant enough that I’ll be watching their bellies grow.  I’m dreading the next “batch” as well.   All of the young crew who weren’t ready to start a family yet when I first started my struggles are now happily settled in and will likely start reproducing soon.  Again, sometimes I wish I worked in construction!

So happy other new year to me.  I really hope this is my year. Sorry new crop of students, but I hope I get to leave you early this year.

(this is NOT me)

(this is NOT me)