Last year, around this time, I signed up for a boot camp with a friend. It was in the time just before I got into the fertility clinic. Another little window for exercise. I stopped the class when we started to “try”. There was no way I was going to lose another baby. I know that exercising is very likely NOT the reason that I lost my babies, but in the back of my head there is always the wonder and blame.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have gone swimming”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have done those push ups”
“Maybe, maybe, maybe….”
To take the class in the first place, I of course had to fill out the medical questionnaire.
- Recent Surgery? Yes, two D&Cs
- Medication? (insert long list of fertility drugs here)
- Recent Weight Gain? Yes (see above)
- Reason to want to “Get Fit”? So that I stop looking pregnant/ So that I can get pregnant
Tonight I went back to Boot Camp. I have a small window to “Get Fit” so it seemed like a great idea! (And I’ve already filled out the stupid form, so I won’t have to fill it out again!)
Feeling extra sporty, I rode my bike to Boot Camp. I got there a little early and was waiting outside the studio with my friend. A woman who had been in the class with us the first time arrived and spotted me.
“It’s so great to see you!” and she gave me a big hug.
As her body pressed up against mine, I realized that for someone who’s been doing Boot Camp for a year, she hasn’t lost ANY weight. Then I realized why her stomach was so big. I almost threw up.
I thought I was going to be ok. I held it together and kept eye contact with my friend. This will pass.
Then the woman came into the class with us. She was going to do Boot Camp. My eyes started to well up and my friend (bless her) pulled me outside the studio right before Niagara Falls started to pour out of my face. I tried to explain to her (whilst blubbering like a three year old and gasping for air) that it was just so hard for me to watch pregnant people working out. Especially a class like that. Don’t they have their OWN classes to go to? I know that it’s healthy for pregnant women to work out, but after so many losses, it’s hard to watch someone putting their pregnancies at risk right in front of me. I’m sure it’s not even a risk. I’m sure she’s doing all of the right modifications etc., it’s just difficult for me when EVERYTHING I do is a risk. It’s difficult to watch someone who is pregnant be easy and care-free about it. Those days are so long gone for me.
My friend was amazing. I can’t say it enough that I have the best “team”. I told her how important it was for me to do the class and use this time to get in shape. She helped me build up the courage to go back in, and she even blocked my view of Ms. Pregnant the whole time. Thanks to the support (and the blinders) I left feeling great and I will go back. “Get Fit!’