I knew the TWW would be hard. Even without IVF, the waiting period is always hard. With IVF it’s even harder. There is so much money at stake and there’s the fact that I know that my embryos are inside of me. Instead of waiting to see if I GET pregnant, I’m waiting to see if I STAY pregnant.
It started off ok. I was told to rest for the first four days. I took these two weeks off of work because I knew I’d be nervous and I knew it would be best for me to take it easy.
Everything was going well. I even managed to stay off of google. When my husband was home, he brought me everything I needed.
On Tuesday, my mom came over to bring me to my acupuncture appointment so that I wouldn’t have to take the bus.
On Tuesday morning, before my appointment, I noticed some spotting. My Twitter network, my friends and even Dr. Google told me that this was likely implantation. My past traumas with spotting just made me feel scared.
My naturopath confirmed that it was likely implantation bleeding. She said that “most women are so excited about this”. I just sobbed. It was just a reminder that everyone else’s positive pregnancy experiences don’t belong to me. I’ve had lots of “great signs” during my pregnancies, I just don’t have a baby.
It’s now Monday. Almost a week later and I’m still spotting. It’s not a lot of blood. It’s really just a couple of spots per day, but it’s enough to terrify me. It’s enough to have kept me on the sofa for the past week.
I’ve taken two home pregnancy tests. They both came up negative. I know that my official test isn’t until Thursday and that there is “always that chance” but quite frankly, I’m not feeling it right now.
I’m crushed. I’ve lost hope. I feel ripped off. I feel like I didn’t even get to enjoy my two week weight by hoping. I spent my two week wait trying not to bleed.
This is it. We agreed to one cycle of IVF and now it’s over. I know – I could be surprised by my official test on Thursday and then I’ll look back at this and roll my eyes, but for now, I’m feeling it’s over. Even if I am lucky enough to get a positive test on Thursday, I’ll be terrified because of all of the spotting.
I still don’t understand why this is happening. I don’t understand how I got pregnant so easily with broken babies and now I can’t get pregnant at all – even when they put a fertilized embryo right inside of me. In the next couple of weeks I’ll have some decisions to make. Do I go on birth control? Do we risk another miscarriage?
I also have to figure out a way to get through going back to work, and worse, get through another childless Christmas.
I have to get back to focusing on the adoption but also mourn the loss of the biological children that I won’t have. A rough time ahead. I’ll report my official results on Thursday.
(I wanted to post a picture, the doctor gave us a print out of the transfer ultrasound. It’s a picture of those embryos inside of me. My husband took the photo. I know he’s trying to protect me.)