Memory Lane

I caught myself watching one of my own memories today as if it were a movie.  The memory was so clear, I could feel it, touch it and smell it. It was a memory of a time shortly before everything went wrong.

I was almost two months pregnant.  It was my first pregnancy.  My husband and I were both glowing with excitement.  My husband was on board with starting a family but it wasn’t until I was actually pregnant that we both realized how much it really meant to him.

We were at a barbecue at a friend’s rooftop pool.  It was a beautiful warm day. The sunlight was bouncing off the water. I didn’t swim, but I put my toes in the water.  The view was amazing.  Everything felt perfect.  When our friends were all swimming, my husband and I had some time alone poolside.  We sat on a beach towel on the deck.  He looked so happy.  He was actually tearing up.  He put his hand on my belly.

“I was thinking”, he said, “that after we have this little chicken, we could adopt a sibling for that chicken”.

For him to say that meant so much to both of us.  It meant that we could have more than one child. It meant that we hadn’t abandoned the idea of adoption even though I was pregnant.  It meant  that his ideal family was based on the model of his own family.  Our life was really beginning.  We had so much to look forward to.  Both of our dreams were coming true.

It was hard for me to “watch” this memory.  This is the part of my life that I now have to file under “before”.  It seems so long ago.  I feel like we were different people. I have since lost three babies.  I have cut friends out of my lives who have had babies since.  I have watched the world move on as my world seems to stand still.  I have been living in pain. My life has revolved around fertility treatments.  Adoption has evolved from a way to grow our family to quite possibly the only way we’ll be able to grow our family.  Our sex life has been scheduled to the minute and full of the fear of a miss-timed broken pregnancies.  I miss my life.  I wish I could go back to the pool and dip my toes in the water and not worry about anything but a sunburn.

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12 thoughts on “Memory Lane

  1. This just pulls at my heart strings because I am right there with you. I feel like it is absolutely impossible to the person I once was and I miss that person so much. I have also had three losses and I do feel like the world is passing me by too. It is a tough, tough feeling. Hugs friend.

  2. I’m sorry that you’re feeling down. It hurts to relive happy memories like that doesn’t it. I’m so hopeful you’ll get that happy feeling back in the future.

    • You’ll get there. The pool will be a different shape and the view won’t be exactly the same, but on the other side of this acute pain is something close to peace. You’ll learn different ways to hope and be. I wouldn’t have believed it either… but I do think I needed to hit that wake up call place where I just wasn’t willing to be a mess anymore. It took a long time. *hug*

  3. This post is sad but really beautiful. I miss my “before” life too. I miss myself as I was before above all.
    Yesterday I was talking to a girl who had a baby with IVF this year. She was talking about adoption and I asked what happened with it after they had the baby. She said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, that she gave up adoption right after seeing the positive pregnancy test (she added “of course”). It’s not the same for me. I really want this adopted baby. So I was glad to read your post and see I’m not the only one.
    Sending a big hug!!

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