I caught myself watching one of my own memories today as if it were a movie. The memory was so clear, I could feel it, touch it and smell it. It was a memory of a time shortly before everything went wrong.
I was almost two months pregnant. It was my first pregnancy. My husband and I were both glowing with excitement. My husband was on board with starting a family but it wasn’t until I was actually pregnant that we both realized how much it really meant to him.
We were at a barbecue at a friend’s rooftop pool. It was a beautiful warm day. The sunlight was bouncing off the water. I didn’t swim, but I put my toes in the water. The view was amazing. Everything felt perfect. When our friends were all swimming, my husband and I had some time alone poolside. We sat on a beach towel on the deck. He looked so happy. He was actually tearing up. He put his hand on my belly.
“I was thinking”, he said, “that after we have this little chicken, we could adopt a sibling for that chicken”.
For him to say that meant so much to both of us. It meant that we could have more than one child. It meant that we hadn’t abandoned the idea of adoption even though I was pregnant. It meant that his ideal family was based on the model of his own family. Our life was really beginning. We had so much to look forward to. Both of our dreams were coming true.
It was hard for me to “watch” this memory. This is the part of my life that I now have to file under “before”. It seems so long ago. I feel like we were different people. I have since lost three babies. I have cut friends out of my lives who have had babies since. I have watched the world move on as my world seems to stand still. I have been living in pain. My life has revolved around fertility treatments. Adoption has evolved from a way to grow our family to quite possibly the only way we’ll be able to grow our family. Our sex life has been scheduled to the minute and full of the fear of a miss-timed broken pregnancies. I miss my life. I wish I could go back to the pool and dip my toes in the water and not worry about anything but a sunburn.