The last few years have been very difficult. Holidays like Christmas, New Year’s Eve, birthdays, Mother’s Day even Halloween always remind me of all that I have lost. For years now I have suffered through “the worst Christmas ever”, only to have it trumped the following year. On New Year’s Eves I have put the pain of the previous year behind looking forward to a “fresh start” only to face another difficult series of events.
Christmas was hard. It’s impossible not to think about what might have been, what Christmas in my home SHOULD be like, the celebrations that are happening in the homes of my friends and their new families and where we could have gone on vacation if we hadn’t have spent our money on a failed IVF. I got through it. There were tears, arguments with my husband and loneliness but I got through it.
I got through New Year’s Eve too. I thought a lot about last year’s New Year’s Eve reflection. I knew last year that 2013 wasn’t going to be a good one. I wasn’t being pessimistic, I was being realistic. This year is a little different. This year there is actually a chance. Not a guarantee, but at least a chance.
My husband and I were approved for adoption over a year ago. The original estimated wait time was 18 months. The numbers have gone up and down since then, but it does mean that REALISTICALLY, we could be matched with our child this year.
As frustrating as the fertility treatment fails were, I’m glad that I did them. I can say with confidence that I tried “all the ways“. It doesn’t mean that I’m not mourning the loss of that potential biological child, but it does mean that I need to shift my focus towards the adoption.
Unlike fertility treatments, focusing on adoption alone feels much less productive. There are no calendars or early morning appointments. I had to consider what “focusing on adoption” meant to me. I think it’s going to mean the following:
- getting into shape to prepare to run after a potentially terrified running toddler (I’ve heard stories about this from other adoptive parents)
- taking care of myself, continuing acupuncture and mourning my losses so that I’m ready to be a happy parent
- continuing and possibly increasing my involvement with the adoption agency. ( I currently write for the newsletter)
- saving money so if I get my referral the trip to Vietnam and time off work won’t put me into enormous debt.
That’s a start. If the adoption doesn’t go through this year, none of those actions will be a waste. They’re all positive things.
My husband wants me to start considering that our life may not include children. I’m not ready to think about that. For now I have to assume that I will have a child. I just “can’t choose when“.